What Scares Me The Most.
My Grandmother had Alzheimer’s, her name was Hope. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 1990, although the family had known for a long time. Sadly, she died from the disease in 1997. For years the family struggled to deal with her condition, eventually having to move her into a nearby convalescent home in 1994.
I was proud of my Mother and Aunt. Every day one of them would visit my Grandmother, staying with her for several hours. They wanted to make sure she was okay, checking to see if she was healthy and not being abused by any staff members in the facility. Unfortunately, at that time Michigan was having issues with abuse in convalescent homes.
Having moved to Colorado from Michigan in the early 1980s, I really didn’t get to see my family very often, usually once every two or three years. However, when my mother became ill in 1995, I moved back to Michigan to help her as she recovered. It wasn’t long before I began to visit my grandmother on a regular basis, even though she didn’t know who I was.
What Scares Me The Most
That was hard on me, her not recognizing me; difficult because my Grandmother and I had always been close. It broke my heart the first time I saw her with Alzheimer’s. She didn’t know who I was, even after my Mother had introduced me saying “Look who’s come to see you Mom, it’s Jim”. She said nothing and displayed no emotions at all, it was disturbing.
How could my Grandmother not know who I was?
I started to wonder if it was possible, on the inside, that she was aware of me but could not communicate her emotions to the surface. What if she wanted to talk to me, but couldn’t produce the words? What a horrifying position to be in, unable to express what you are feeling inside.
What scares me the most about Alzheimer’s victims is that they may be aware of what’s going on around them. They seem to have the ability to physically interact with their surroundings, they move around, they touch things, so there must be some basic understanding of their environment.
Obviously there must be some kind of psychological and emotional disconnection from the brain due to its malfunction. They don’t seem to be able to express themselves, and when they do, it’s usually in anger… understandably so.
How frustrating it must be to want to interact with the person standing in front of you, yet you’re incapable of expressing your thoughts or feelings in any way.
I believe the Mind still functions as normal for Alzheimer’s victims, even as the brain itself is damaged. I think the mind is connected to, but not the same as, the brain. The mind is the part of you that is the observer, the part of you that communicates with the brain.
It’s the brain that can’t get through, can’t find a way to express the thoughts and feelings of an Alzheimer’s victim’s mind, cut off from the material world due to damaged brain tissue and a lack of control.
According to the Alzheimer’s Association Website, Alzheimer’s Disease…
- Disrupts both the way electrical charges travel within cells and the activity of neurotransmitters.
- Causes plaques and tangles to form in the brain tissue.
- Leads to nerve cell death and tissue loss throughout the brain.
- Shrinks the brain over time, dramatically affecting nearly all of its functions.
One Last Visit
Two years later I was preparing to move. My Mother had recovered from her illness and I had saved enough money from my job to move back to Colorado. The day before I planned to leave I decided to visit my Grandmother one last time, just to say goodbye. My Mother went with me.
We arrived just before lunchtime. My Grandmother, Hope, still didn’t seem to recognize me or even acknowledge my presence. The whole two years I had been visiting my grandmother I never heard her say one word, she just stared off into space, turning her head occasionally, but that was it.
We took Grandma to the cafeteria so she could get out of her room for a little bit, thinking it would be nice for her to eat her meal at a table instead of a TV tray. My Mother and I decided we would join Grandma with her favorite lunch, a bowl of soup, some crackers, and a glass of iced tea.
As we sat at the table sipping our soup my Mother and I talked about my move back to Colorado.
Hope Breaks Through
It was odd watching my grandmother eat so meticulously slow, it was as if part of her wasn’t there. She showed no interest in our conversation or the people around us. My Grandmother had always been very personable, so it was strange to see her this way, silent and withdrawn.
Then the most amazing thing happened. It is the main reason I feel so strongly about the idea that my Grandmother was completely aware of her surroundings, that she just wasn’t able to express herself. It was the moment my Grandmother put down her spoon and turned to me, looking straight into my eyes as she softly spoke…
“I’m never going to see you again”
She then turned away and started to finish her bowl of soup, once again staring off into space. My mother and I looked at each other, shocked to hear my grandmother’s voice. She hadn’t spoken to anyone for months, and this was the first time she said anything to me specifically since she had become ill.
I then said to my mother “Did you hear that? I can’t believe she just talked to me. She knows she won’t see me again. How did she know I was moving? Did you tell her I was leaving?”. I had a million questions and no answers, my Mom was as shocked as I was.
That was it, my Grandmother didn’t say another word, and the day ended the same way all of my previous visits had ended. Everything was back to normal, normal as we knew it. We went home that night confused and a little astonished. Did my Grandmother just come out of her shell long enough to say goodbye to me?
The whole family couldn’t stop talking about it.
Return To Colorado
The next morning I left after saying all my goodbyes, I was finally heading back to Colorado. It would be a long drive with trailer in tow, about 1300 miles. I had to focus on driving, ignoring my torrent of emotions from the previous day. As it is, towing a trailer cross-country is dangerous enough, I certainly didn’t need any distractions.
The whole trip was quite stressful. When I got home I slept like a baby, exhausted from the ordeal.
Around noon the next day I received a phone call from my Mother. My Grandmother had died as I was driving back to Colorado, literally the day after I last saw her. I couldn’t believe it. I cried for the first time in a couple of decades, the emotional pain was excruciating.
I loved my Grandmother ‘Hope’.
On Reflection:
Looking back, I was glad my Grandmother had shared that temporary lucid experience with me, breaking out of her mental prison just long enough to say goodbye. I’ll always treasure that moment. The only thing I can’t figure out is…
Did my Grandmother say “I’ll never see you again” because she knew I was moving to Colorado the next day?
OR
Did my Grandmother say “I’ll never see you again” because she knew she was dying the next day?
I guess I’ll never know.
Thanks for reading my article.
Info Sources: In addition to my personal experience, most ‘researched’ information was gathered from the websites noted below and various Google searches.
- To learn more about Alzheimer’s Disease visit the Alzheimer’s Association website.
- Visit the CDC website for info about Alzheimer’s Disease and Related Dementia’s
- For more info about Alzheimer’s Disease visit this Wikipedia page.
- *Public Domain WikiMedia image used with permission via Creative Commons License BY-SA 3.0 Deed and/or BY-SA 4.0 Deed
Leave a Reply